A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Two Blondes unlocking a car
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
A Blonde crying her eyes out
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Restroom Humor
Here is what happened to me today…
I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the restroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall…
“Hi there, how is it going?”
Okay, I am not the type of person to strike conversations with strangers in restrooms while sitting on the toilet. I didn’t know what to say so I finally said:
“Not bad…”
Then the voice says:
“So, what are you doing?”
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I said:
“Well, I’m going back to Atlanta…”
Then I hear the person say…
“Look, I’ll call you right back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.”
I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the restroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall…
“Hi there, how is it going?”
Okay, I am not the type of person to strike conversations with strangers in restrooms while sitting on the toilet. I didn’t know what to say so I finally said:
“Not bad…”
Then the voice says:
“So, what are you doing?”
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I said:
“Well, I’m going back to Atlanta…”
Then I hear the person say…
“Look, I’ll call you right back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.”
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Doctor Terminology
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
"This should be taken care of right away."
I planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Smart Blonde
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde said, "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde said, "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Monday, July 26, 2010
Blonde on an Airplane
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
No Speaka de English?
A bus stops and 2 Irish men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation that seems to be English.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den Oi come. Den two asses come together. Oi come once a more! Two asses, they come together again. Oi come again and pee twice. Then Oi come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. We don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? Oi 'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den Oi come. Den two asses come together. Oi come once a more! Two asses, they come together again. Oi come again and pee twice. Then Oi come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. We don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? Oi 'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Shop For A New Husband
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Skin tight mini-skirt
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight mini-skirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Gas Station Pumps
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Who is this guy?
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Heads or Tails
She wanted to flip for it.
"Heads, i get tail, Tails, i get head."
Looks like I won again!!!
"Heads, i get tail, Tails, i get head."
Looks like I won again!!!
Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
The President, First Lady, and Vice-President
President Obama, First Lady Michelle and Vice-President Joe Biden were flying on Air Force One.
Obama looked at Michelle, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Michelle shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Joe Biden added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make over 300 million people very happy."
Obama looked at Michelle, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Michelle shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Joe Biden added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make over 300 million people very happy."
Saturday, July 24, 2010
THE TRUCK STOP
This guy goes into truck stop diner, and a homely waitress approaches him with her thumb in her mouth.
"thur, can I thake your order," she mumbles.
"Yes, I'll have the soup of the day, the blue plate special, and hot apple pie for dessert," says the guy.
When the waitress returns with the soup, he notices her thumb is dipped into it. He's annoyed, but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, after all what can you expect from a truck stop.
When the waitress returns to the table, this time her thumb is jammed deeply into his mash potatoes. He is getting angrier, but still decides not to say anything.
Next the waitress come back with dessert. He notices that her thumb is deeply embedded into the filling of his hot apple pie. His temper had reached the boiling point, and he could no longer contain himself. "What the hell is wrong with you lady, why can't you keep your f***ing fingers out of my f-in food," he yells out!
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," says the waitress, "I was hoping you wouldn't notice." "You see I sprained my thumb, and the doctor told me I need to keep it warm... I can't afford to take time off work... I'm afraid they'll fire me."
Untouched by her excuse the man tells her, "I don't give a damn about your f-in thumb, for all I care you can stick it up your ass!"
The waitress surprised by his lack of sympathy replies, "that's exactly how I keep it warm in the kitchen while waiting for your f-in food!"
"thur, can I thake your order," she mumbles.
"Yes, I'll have the soup of the day, the blue plate special, and hot apple pie for dessert," says the guy.
When the waitress returns with the soup, he notices her thumb is dipped into it. He's annoyed, but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, after all what can you expect from a truck stop.
When the waitress returns to the table, this time her thumb is jammed deeply into his mash potatoes. He is getting angrier, but still decides not to say anything.
Next the waitress come back with dessert. He notices that her thumb is deeply embedded into the filling of his hot apple pie. His temper had reached the boiling point, and he could no longer contain himself. "What the hell is wrong with you lady, why can't you keep your f***ing fingers out of my f-in food," he yells out!
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," says the waitress, "I was hoping you wouldn't notice." "You see I sprained my thumb, and the doctor told me I need to keep it warm... I can't afford to take time off work... I'm afraid they'll fire me."
Untouched by her excuse the man tells her, "I don't give a damn about your f-in thumb, for all I care you can stick it up your ass!"
The waitress surprised by his lack of sympathy replies, "that's exactly how I keep it warm in the kitchen while waiting for your f-in food!"
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news... she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news... she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
ENDING IT ALL
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Gas Attack
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She just let a big one rip that sounded like a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Are you smarter than a 1st grader???
3 nerds go to a motel to rent a room. The clerk behind the desk said the room will cost $30 bucks.
So each nerd paid $10 bucks each and went to the room to relax.
A little while later the clerk realized that the room was suppose to cost only $25 bucks, so he sends the bellboy back to the 3 nerds room with their $5 change.
On the way to the room, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split the $5 bucks between the 3 nerds so he just gave each nerd a $1 each and he kept the other extra $2 bucks for himself.
So the 3 nerds only ended up paying $9 each for the room since they each got a dollar refund.
3 x 9 = $27 bucks + the $2 bucks that the bellboy kept = $29 bucks.
We started with $30 bucks...
SO WHERE DID THE OTHER DOLLAR GO?????
Please PASS THIS ON to all your friends...
So each nerd paid $10 bucks each and went to the room to relax.
A little while later the clerk realized that the room was suppose to cost only $25 bucks, so he sends the bellboy back to the 3 nerds room with their $5 change.
On the way to the room, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split the $5 bucks between the 3 nerds so he just gave each nerd a $1 each and he kept the other extra $2 bucks for himself.
So the 3 nerds only ended up paying $9 each for the room since they each got a dollar refund.
3 x 9 = $27 bucks + the $2 bucks that the bellboy kept = $29 bucks.
We started with $30 bucks...
SO WHERE DID THE OTHER DOLLAR GO?????
Please PASS THIS ON to all your friends...
Why I Fired My Secretary!!!
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but maybe the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word.
So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat angry. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go".
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
"OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there........
on the couch.......
naked.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but maybe the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word.
So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat angry. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go".
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
"OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there........
on the couch.......
naked.
Things that make you say...hmm
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people?
Why don't they just put pictures of criminals on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment? When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
Can you cry under water?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How can you save money for a Rainy Day, when it seems to rain all the time?
If the Police arrest a Mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What hair color do they put on the driver licenses of bald men?
When bulls disagree, do they ever tell each other, “That’s a bunch of ‘human shit’”?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
How come there are no "B" batteries?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2 ?
If "Operators are standing by," shouldn't they get a different job where the company has chairs?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 400 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why is someone that invests your money called a BROKER?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do you have to stop or shut down Windows by going to the START button?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
Why do we never see newspaper headlines that read "PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY?"
Why is it that when your plane arrives at the airport, it is the stewardess that's been with you on the flight that welcomes you to your destination? Why doesn't someone from your destination come onto the plane to welcome you instead?
Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
If 7-11s are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Can fat people really go skinny-dipping?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, when you can’t drink and drive?
In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife, is she still your cousin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
Why do bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks?
If Fed-Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Isn't Disneyland a people-trap operated by a mouse?
The lights went out, but where to?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why do scientists call it "research" when looking for something new?
Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?
If a train station is where a train stops, and a bus station is where a bus stops, what is a workstation?
Employment applications always ask who should we notifiy in case of an emergency. Wouldn’t a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If you jog backward, will you gain weight?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?
Did you ever wonder why you’re reading this?
Please PASS THIS ON to all your friends...
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people?
Why don't they just put pictures of criminals on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment? When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
Can you cry under water?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How can you save money for a Rainy Day, when it seems to rain all the time?
If the Police arrest a Mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What hair color do they put on the driver licenses of bald men?
When bulls disagree, do they ever tell each other, “That’s a bunch of ‘human shit’”?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
How come there are no "B" batteries?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2 ?
If "Operators are standing by," shouldn't they get a different job where the company has chairs?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 400 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why is someone that invests your money called a BROKER?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do you have to stop or shut down Windows by going to the START button?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
Why do we never see newspaper headlines that read "PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY?"
Why is it that when your plane arrives at the airport, it is the stewardess that's been with you on the flight that welcomes you to your destination? Why doesn't someone from your destination come onto the plane to welcome you instead?
Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
If 7-11s are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Can fat people really go skinny-dipping?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, when you can’t drink and drive?
In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife, is she still your cousin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
Why do bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks?
If Fed-Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Isn't Disneyland a people-trap operated by a mouse?
The lights went out, but where to?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why do scientists call it "research" when looking for something new?
Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?
If a train station is where a train stops, and a bus station is where a bus stops, what is a workstation?
Employment applications always ask who should we notifiy in case of an emergency. Wouldn’t a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If you jog backward, will you gain weight?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?
Did you ever wonder why you’re reading this?
Please PASS THIS ON to all your friends...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)