Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Who is this guy?
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Heads or Tails
She wanted to flip for it.
"Heads, i get tail, Tails, i get head."
Looks like I won again!!!
"Heads, i get tail, Tails, i get head."
Looks like I won again!!!
Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
The President, First Lady, and Vice-President
President Obama, First Lady Michelle and Vice-President Joe Biden were flying on Air Force One.
Obama looked at Michelle, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Michelle shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Joe Biden added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make over 300 million people very happy."
Obama looked at Michelle, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Michelle shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Joe Biden added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make over 300 million people very happy."
Saturday, July 24, 2010
THE TRUCK STOP
This guy goes into truck stop diner, and a homely waitress approaches him with her thumb in her mouth.
"thur, can I thake your order," she mumbles.
"Yes, I'll have the soup of the day, the blue plate special, and hot apple pie for dessert," says the guy.
When the waitress returns with the soup, he notices her thumb is dipped into it. He's annoyed, but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, after all what can you expect from a truck stop.
When the waitress returns to the table, this time her thumb is jammed deeply into his mash potatoes. He is getting angrier, but still decides not to say anything.
Next the waitress come back with dessert. He notices that her thumb is deeply embedded into the filling of his hot apple pie. His temper had reached the boiling point, and he could no longer contain himself. "What the hell is wrong with you lady, why can't you keep your f***ing fingers out of my f-in food," he yells out!
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," says the waitress, "I was hoping you wouldn't notice." "You see I sprained my thumb, and the doctor told me I need to keep it warm... I can't afford to take time off work... I'm afraid they'll fire me."
Untouched by her excuse the man tells her, "I don't give a damn about your f-in thumb, for all I care you can stick it up your ass!"
The waitress surprised by his lack of sympathy replies, "that's exactly how I keep it warm in the kitchen while waiting for your f-in food!"
"thur, can I thake your order," she mumbles.
"Yes, I'll have the soup of the day, the blue plate special, and hot apple pie for dessert," says the guy.
When the waitress returns with the soup, he notices her thumb is dipped into it. He's annoyed, but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, after all what can you expect from a truck stop.
When the waitress returns to the table, this time her thumb is jammed deeply into his mash potatoes. He is getting angrier, but still decides not to say anything.
Next the waitress come back with dessert. He notices that her thumb is deeply embedded into the filling of his hot apple pie. His temper had reached the boiling point, and he could no longer contain himself. "What the hell is wrong with you lady, why can't you keep your f***ing fingers out of my f-in food," he yells out!
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," says the waitress, "I was hoping you wouldn't notice." "You see I sprained my thumb, and the doctor told me I need to keep it warm... I can't afford to take time off work... I'm afraid they'll fire me."
Untouched by her excuse the man tells her, "I don't give a damn about your f-in thumb, for all I care you can stick it up your ass!"
The waitress surprised by his lack of sympathy replies, "that's exactly how I keep it warm in the kitchen while waiting for your f-in food!"
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news... she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news... she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
ENDING IT ALL
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Gas Attack
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She just let a big one rip that sounded like a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
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